Speak, I Want to Hear

My heart feels like it is in such an awkward, yet beautifully correct positioning to be in. People all around me are trying to slide by and get by with doing the bare minimum requirement of being a christian, too wrapped up in to-do lists and different new ministries to start up on, that they miss out on the best reward of just loving Jesus. This week my heart has been in such an aching place, longing for Jesus to speak to me. Where you would find most people daunted by their infinite list on how to make Jesus love them and how to build up an encounter, my heart has just been, “speak”. “Speak to me the words of your heart. Share with me what is on your heart and what moves you”.

I don’t really have eloquent words, I don’t even really have as much knowledge as I wish I obtained. All I have is a yes that is so big and a reach that is so wide. I have a heart that aches and burns for encounters with Jesus. As I sit and ask the Lord to speak, I wasn’t getting the response I had originally desired. As I was saying speak, I felt like God made Himself that much more distant, that with every “speak” space closed in around me and He seemed out of sight. I began to feel so overwhelmed by the space in between Beloved and me. Tears soon found their way to my eyes pouring out uncontrollably, out of pure desire to hear the voice of the one whom my soul loves. I began to relate to the bride in Song of Solomon. She searched for the one whom her soul loves and did not find Him, so she went into the city and searched more for Him asking if anyone had seen the one whom her soul loves. When she found Him, she held Him and did not let go. Such a perfect image of love and intimacy that I long to obtain with the Son of God, my bridegroom. I am so done with lists’ of to-do’s, and don’ts. Striving to love Jesus and saying all the right things and knowing all the right moves when really God just wants ME. Just like the shulamite woman my desire is to truly see the face of Jesus and to hear His voice, for His voice is sweet and His face is lovely. I don’t want to live some watered down lifestyle of striving for all the right things to say and do when the whole time all God was looking for was me, all he really wanted was my weak yes.

I am so tired of the mentality of what is the least I can do to get by and still be considered a Christian? Why do we continuously seek the bare minimum when God has so much more in store for us? Instead of wondering how little I can do, I want to know how much more I can do. How much farther will you let me go Jesus? How much more will you let me obtain? What kind of encounters do you have in store for me even when my “yes” is weak and my heart is terrified to take the next step? I guess that is why they call it leaps of faith, because if you don’t just leap you won’t do it. God is so kind in hearing my cry every single time. His ear is towards the cry of the righteous. The ache and wrestle is alive in my heart, this I am sure, but God remains faithful every single time, never leaving me.

God, I know that you remember the cry of desperation I cried at one point to go further and deeper and I am trusting that even during this time when silence seems to overtake me, that I am not overtaken. I will remain diligent before you. I will remain fervent in seeking you and zealous beyond what I’ve ever been before. And even now, I still ask that you would give me more, that you would still take me deeper and farther. Encounter my heart, Jesus. Mark me as a modern day Nazirite whom is set apart and marked as a radical pleasure seeker. Set a fire down in my heart, God that cannot be contained. I know that because you discipline the ones that you love, you will not leave me where I am. Teach me how to love you with my entire mind. I want to love you that way that you love me. Here I am waiting and anticipating the touch from the one that I love so pour out over me the river of longing. Mark me with the spirit of God and burn within me the spirit of intercession. Raise up the song within me from the very throne of Heaven. God, I know you see this desire and longing within me. You do not ignore my cry for more, but you will fulfill this desire. God you are so faithful, so I remain faithful to you.