Now & Forevermore

Search me oh God and know my heart, for You know my every thought. You know everything about this frame, this creation. You know when I lie down and when I rise, when I come and go, sit or stand, sing or talk, cry or laugh. God you know it all.
I am so purely and genuinely fascinated by this man whom my soul dearly loves. Every season, the Lord remains steadfast in His love. He is so concerned about the minute and fine details. God, he cares about the big stuff too, but he would rather everything be going wrong if only my heart is alive.
Ill tell you what.. this season of my life has been the hardest places ive ever been in my entire life. It has been soo hard, but so good. I say all this just to say this: I serve the kindest, most loving, caring, gentle, meek, strong, wise, worthy man. He is the most high God. And there is no one like You God, in the heavens or on the earth! I am so blessed.
“Take my heart let it be just like yours. Plant my feet in your path. Forgetting whats behind me, moving ahead, Your will God I live for”
For every season of my life, let me remain in your perfect will now and forever more. Let that be the cry of my heart.

Unfathomable Love

Its almost midnight and 5am comes way too early, but I cant help it. Tonight like many other nights, I am yet again captured by the love of this man named Jesus. Through every stage and every season, through every hour,minute,second, and moment He is present, consistant, never changing, and abounding in steadfast love for me. Through every season and every broken moment of weeping and weakness, I find more and more He is my strength. He is my courage. He is my hope and my joy. I find myself weeping at the kindness of this gentle man until the joy from the heavens bubbles up and spills over leading to the fits of giggles and genuine laughter the father brings to my weak and desperate heart. The more I live the more I see and know, I need Him.
Sure, so maybe im weak. Yes. Maybe I dont know what tomorrow holds. Yup. And yes, maybe I have no idea half the time why the Lord would require specific things from me. Oh yeah! But isnt that the greatest part about letting God be God? All I know for sure is that at the end of the day when I lay down and reflect on my day, I refuse to let Jesus be my after thought. I dont want him to be a good meditation, a good idea, or a plan B, maybe even C, D. I want Him to be the core of my very small existance. I want to change the world for the glory of God. I want to see souls won for the Kingdom, I want the darkest of places to be reached, I want to see signs and wonders through weak vessels. More than anything I want to learn to love my neighbor as myself, to turn the other cheek, to give when taken from, and to love the undeserving. Maybe I wont be apart of something huge and thriving but if only God would be willing to use me. I am nothing and have nothing without the Lord. He is good and His love endures forever.
” If You never blessed me once again, its enough your grace has took my sin, and ill use my mouth and my life to tell the world of Your love”

God, this love You express to me is so big, so unreal, so unfathomable. Thank you for choosing to love me, for wanting me,even desiring me to be with you where you are. Thank you that your ears are attentive to my cry and you move on my behalf. That I have only to be silent. God, I pray that Your name would be high and lifted up, glorified among the nations. Let Your kingdom come and Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Let your will be done and evident in my life, Lord. Come and show me Your ways and guide me with Your righteousness, for You lead so well.Shift the nations for Your glory God. You are so worthy of  all praise and adoration. Glory be to the Lord of hosts.

Speak, I Want to Hear

My heart feels like it is in such an awkward, yet beautifully correct positioning to be in. People all around me are trying to slide by and get by with doing the bare minimum requirement of being a christian, too wrapped up in to-do lists and different new ministries to start up on, that they miss out on the best reward of just loving Jesus. This week my heart has been in such an aching place, longing for Jesus to speak to me. Where you would find most people daunted by their infinite list on how to make Jesus love them and how to build up an encounter, my heart has just been, “speak”. “Speak to me the words of your heart. Share with me what is on your heart and what moves you”.

I don’t really have eloquent words, I don’t even really have as much knowledge as I wish I obtained. All I have is a yes that is so big and a reach that is so wide. I have a heart that aches and burns for encounters with Jesus. As I sit and ask the Lord to speak, I wasn’t getting the response I had originally desired. As I was saying speak, I felt like God made Himself that much more distant, that with every “speak” space closed in around me and He seemed out of sight. I began to feel so overwhelmed by the space in between Beloved and me. Tears soon found their way to my eyes pouring out uncontrollably, out of pure desire to hear the voice of the one whom my soul loves. I began to relate to the bride in Song of Solomon. She searched for the one whom her soul loves and did not find Him, so she went into the city and searched more for Him asking if anyone had seen the one whom her soul loves. When she found Him, she held Him and did not let go. Such a perfect image of love and intimacy that I long to obtain with the Son of God, my bridegroom. I am so done with lists’ of to-do’s, and don’ts. Striving to love Jesus and saying all the right things and knowing all the right moves when really God just wants ME. Just like the shulamite woman my desire is to truly see the face of Jesus and to hear His voice, for His voice is sweet and His face is lovely. I don’t want to live some watered down lifestyle of striving for all the right things to say and do when the whole time all God was looking for was me, all he really wanted was my weak yes.

I am so tired of the mentality of what is the least I can do to get by and still be considered a Christian? Why do we continuously seek the bare minimum when God has so much more in store for us? Instead of wondering how little I can do, I want to know how much more I can do. How much farther will you let me go Jesus? How much more will you let me obtain? What kind of encounters do you have in store for me even when my “yes” is weak and my heart is terrified to take the next step? I guess that is why they call it leaps of faith, because if you don’t just leap you won’t do it. God is so kind in hearing my cry every single time. His ear is towards the cry of the righteous. The ache and wrestle is alive in my heart, this I am sure, but God remains faithful every single time, never leaving me.

God, I know that you remember the cry of desperation I cried at one point to go further and deeper and I am trusting that even during this time when silence seems to overtake me, that I am not overtaken. I will remain diligent before you. I will remain fervent in seeking you and zealous beyond what I’ve ever been before. And even now, I still ask that you would give me more, that you would still take me deeper and farther. Encounter my heart, Jesus. Mark me as a modern day Nazirite whom is set apart and marked as a radical pleasure seeker. Set a fire down in my heart, God that cannot be contained. I know that because you discipline the ones that you love, you will not leave me where I am. Teach me how to love you with my entire mind. I want to love you that way that you love me. Here I am waiting and anticipating the touch from the one that I love so pour out over me the river of longing. Mark me with the spirit of God and burn within me the spirit of intercession. Raise up the song within me from the very throne of Heaven. God, I know you see this desire and longing within me. You do not ignore my cry for more, but you will fulfill this desire. God you are so faithful, so I remain faithful to you.

Laying Down My Life

As I sit here tonight, trying to prioritize and make sense of the thoughts bouncing frantically in my head, I cant come up with anything. I guess after this week, so far, my heart feels so overwhelmed by the events that have unfolded in the last few days. The events themself are relevant but not relevant enought to waste my whole blog on them. In the midst of surrendering my all to Jesus the only thing I find myself telling Him over and over again is, “No matter how small my all may be, Ill glady lay it and waste it at Your feet”.

Lately,  I feel like I dont have much left to give, because God has required everything else of me, that it leaves me with nothing but a weak yes, and a trembling heart fearful of the next move and the unknown. I wonder how God takes my small, weak, next to nothing “yes”, and uses it for His glory? My “yes” is so small. My all is so little.

It is so weird to be in a place when I feel like God is so far away. It isnt that I am not seeking Him or trying to find Him, its just, I dont know, He feels distant. Like He is purposely distancing Himself to see how far I will go or how willing I am to choose Him over all else and seek Him even when things get rough or when I feel overwhelmed.

God I just want to be closer to You. I want You to draw me in to be as near to You as I can be. You are the ONLY person that has been faithful enought to not let me down and not leave me. I know that I have issues when it comes to trust but I know I can trust You with my heart and my life. I want to lean into Your understanding and without a doubt know that You have perfect leadership. You are so smart, God. There is no one else that can love like You, and no one understands like You do. You listen to me over and over again and you dont despise the process. You dont reject the weak yes and the all that I am willing to lay down at Your feet. No one else can love me like You do so unconditionally. You never get tired or angry or look down on me, but You gently lead me in love and kindness. Sometimes, I just dont understand how you love so freely. Even when I mess up or do stupid things or say silly things that I immediately stick my foot in my mouth for, You still love me. Even when I dont feel like I deserve it. And even when I dont want to recieve Your love because I feel “not good enough”, you are gentle with me then too. You whisper with kind words that let me know everything will be okay. In the patience I wait for You Jesus, to come in and refine me. Even through the pain and the testing, I know I am Yours alone and You wont leave and me and You wont abandon my heart no matter how fearful I am that You will.  God take my heart and let it be just like Yours, planting my feet in Your path. Forgetting whats behind me and moving ahead, Your will God I live for. God no matter what happens, I want to live devoted to You alone, burning every bridge that is behind me. I will waste EVERYTHING at Your feet. I dont care what it costs. I dont care how lonely it feels. I dont care how discouraged I get, I will press into You, fully knowing that You are faithful to meet me in the midst of chaos. I refuse to bow out because it gets a little rough sometimes. No matter the process, no matter the ache, I am willing to go as far as You will let me go. I will never give up and I wont give in because when I remain steadfast You bless it. I dont want to live life with a little bit of ” in Jesus name” sprinkled on it, only a splash of the glory You have in store for me. I want to live wholehearted before You, laying down everything there is to me. I want to truly be sold out to the kingdom of God and live in radical pursuit of You. I want to live a lifestyle that You want to bless because You see the true desire and zealousness I have for You and the kingdom. God change my heart, shift and move me however You want. I know that You allow everything to happen for a reason, and for that I am so thankful, because in my willingness and Your love, everything seems to workout. Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness. You never leave me, You never let me down. I trust You with all my heart.

 

 

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unkown but longed for still.. 

For the caged bird sings of freedom.

You Are Not Playin’

Every season of my life, undoubtedly something new takes its sweet little positioning in my heart. Sometimes its amazing and refreshing, normally intact with some kind of new revelation and confirmation; and sometimes, it consists of a tugging and pulling at my heart that leaves me aching for Jesus so much more. I have no idea where the Lord has me right now and I am learning to ask not “why” he has me where he has me but “what for”.. what will this wilderness of my life benefit the kingdom of heaven?

There is a war that is raging. The devil IS in fact raging and scheming to steal, kill, and destroy everything and anything that will allow him to do so. So many times when I am going through a situation I look at it in such a wordly perspective that it puts my vision more out of whack than anything. When I look at it with my natural eyes, most of the time, I see failure and defeat, but when I look with my spiritual eyes I see that the battle has already been won, and I win. I am beginning to learn more than when enemies come at me and try to attack me in all sorts of ways, it is VITAL that I look at it in spiritual forrm so my heart does not feel defeat.

The biggest thing God has been requiring of me lately is, well, EVERYTHING. lol and He is not playing. He does not cut slack and He demands if I want all of Him, I have to give all of me. It is one of the most painful wrestles, to posture my heart in such a way that I am constantly giving everything I am to God. But lately I just keep hearing, “what you behold, you become”, and I will be darned if my focus is so focused in on this world and natural things that my spirit man lacks because I havent been beholding Jesus.

That is my one true desires, to behold and become just like Jesus. And I know that even when I have days like today, when nothing goes right and it seems like the world is against me, Jesus is so faithful. God has remained faithful through this wilderness, through the wrestle, and the ache. For that, I am eternally thankful for the times He requires everything.

Right now, my heart is so scattered, I cant quite get all of my thoughts together tonight. But for now, this will have to do. Bad day over and ready for sleep. Goodnight world.

Giving to Gain the Kingdom (Lovesick, desperate, willing, and everything in between)

I told myself i wasnt going to blog tonight, but my heart cant stand not to.

Imagine this:

You are on a road, late at night, driving. You are on a frantic search for the love of your life. You cant find him anywhere but in desperation and love you will search until you can physically search no more.

 This was a dream I had mid January as Jesus is speaking and teaching me what it is to be lovesick. In the midst of this season of my life. I hear a song with the lyrics of “If You find Him, tell Him that I love Him, tell Him I long for Him, tell Him that I yearn for Him”. Yes I know, not by accident I had this frantic dream or heard this song or cry of desperation. During this time of my life God postures my heart in a place of pure lovesick desperation for the return of the bridegroom. And still a month later, all I want is Jesus.

As I was laying here tonight, I was remembering the time about a month ago when my heart was stuck in pure desperation mode and all I could focus on or lay hold of what the fact that I needed Jesus so bad. Still, after that season of my life I find myself wanting Jesus to return more everyday. It is a weird feeling, lovesick. Its a bipolar kind of feeling, longing and yearning for Jesus wanting Him to come back for you, but still wanting to fulfill a full life and everything “life” is supposed to consist of, you know the normal grow up, education, husband, children, life kinda thing. But as I continue life, I am beginning to realize all these ideas I had, werent even good ideas, they were just misconceptions. From the time we are born we are told and taught that we waste away our lives in school, then go to college to furthar education, then get into a great career path that will make you, what the world calls “successful”, get married, have kids, and live life. This is what we see and this is what we are taught, but what about wasting our lives on Jesus. Wasting our lives at the feet of Jesus, seeking Him out and gaining Him and beholding Him and His glory? Im not sure what you people think about this idea, but I know it is a good sounding one to me. I am beginning to realize that what I “want” doesnt compare to the burning desperation and desire I have to be with Jesus for all eternity, and if “life” isnt fulfilled the way the world says it is supposed to be, I am okay with that. Sure, it would be nice to get married and have children, actually I have a great longing in my heart for these things to come to pass, but I know that if those things dont happen, God is no less faithful.

Im so sick and tired of trying to live up to the expectations of the “American Dream”. Im done trying to accomplish everything the world wants me to accomplish before they can label my forehead failure and move on with their lives. You can label me and move on now because the spirit of the age will be broken off of me and will go back to hell where is belongs and needs to remain. I will waste my life at the feet of Jesus and if that doesnt make me as successful as a lawyer or a doctor in your eyes then you will have to get over that. But at the end of my life I refuse to sit before the creator of this earth and the Son of Man who died for me and be apologetic that I wasted my life away in seeking out money and the American Dream putting Him off as second best. Dont misinterpret or misunderstand, I am not saying successful business men and women cant be madly in love with Jesus, I am just saying that I refuse to waste my life chasing money and material things that at the end of this life will be pointless and useless and never benefit eternity.

At the first of the year, God told me He wanted me to experience whole hearted abandonment and He wanted to teach me what it was like to depend only on Him. Becuase of this, I cut ties with friends and more than friends and I fell in love with Jesus. It has been since then that God has required EVERYTHING and anything from friendships to television. He is requiring more and more of me and sometimes its painful and other days its easy because I know I am giving to gain the kingdom. Life to me has been such an incredible journey that continues with sweet and sometimes bitter moments, but I embrace each one as a stepping stone to furthar my life. Some of these so called stepping stones or seasons are painful and achey but God is so faithful and caring. He is tender with my heart and knows all the right things to say. As hard as it has been in just a month to live abandoned to Him, I know it was the right choice to truly fall in love with Jesus all over again. And because I have done this, He is dealing with my brokeness in love. He is dealing with my heart and the pains I still have and am holding onto. He is dealing with everything and at times I think when He is done I will be nothing, but I trust God in knowing that what He is doing is only for the best, it will benefit my growth in Him. For now, I remain a lovesick lover seeking out the fathers heart in the midst of this pain and brokenness.

 Still, I’ve been laying here trying to sleep for the last hour with a heart completely heavy longing more for the Lord. What do you do when you just feel like weeping but the tears don’t come? A heart nearly too heavy to carry. My words aren’t poetry and they aren’t fancy they are just desperate for Jesus. I’m so lonely for Jesus. I feel like there is no way humanly possible for me to express how much I truly love Him.
I’ve been laying here thinking about my life and following Jesus. So far, this road has been lonely and its just been me. People have come and gone but at the end of the day its me and Jesus.  As I lay here now I just keep telling Jesus, even if I never have anyone and I go forever without a friend I trust you with everything. You are closer than a brother and nearer than a friend. You will stay you will remain and you won’t leave me. Its funny how even when Jesus knows everything, I still try to convince him that I will tell him everything and that I will love him with everyting in me. He knows the effort put forth from my heart, but sometimes my heart seems so weak, I’m sure that it could just break at any given moment. I lay here still, silent as could be, the air choking back my breath, and all I have inside of me is a longing for Jesus. The man who came to bear witness to all creation of his love and desire for me. When all that is said and done, all I know is, I love Jesus.

Like A Caged Bird, I Will Sing.

I believe it was last year that we had a summer reading assignment to read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Sad enough, no, I didnt read it for english as I should have; and no, I had no intention nor desire. I just today heard a song of a caged bird singing, clearly a literature reference. It was also last year that we had an assignment to write 200, if my memory serves me correctly, literature references that we heard outside of school. The purpose of this assignment was to show how the things we were being taught were relevant, so naturally I am still pretty intune to every outside of school reference I hear. So of course, when I hear a caged bird reference, it makes me listen. So, as I sit listening to this song I think about the words:

” He held you, when your eyes were closed and your head held low. He kept the promise that He made, for the time He had to lie down and die. He held you and showed you how to keep hope alive. And when the caged bird sings, and your eyes they lay hold of your dreams, and your heart burns with the gifts that Hes given you will sing that it’s His love that carried us. Its His love that carried us through”

As I hear this song tears just stream down my face. He heard me every time my eyes were closed and head held low.Every time that I cried out in desperation because I was too weak to do it by myself. Every time my heart longed for more of Him. Every time I felt abandoned and alone, He kept His promise and he held me showing me how to keep hope alive. Every time I stopped believing even for a split second. Every time I gave up hope in the promise that my family will be saved. Every time I got discouraged and hurt and walked all over and spoken down to, it was then that I walked in hope because He would speak to my heart. And when I walk through life I will sing of Him and know that it is indeed His love that has carried me through. Time and time and time again. It has only been his love that has carried me through. When I felt like I had nothing, He was there the whole time leading me in perfect leadership, speaking to a weary aching heart, even the times I felt like He couldnt use this weak, broken vessel. He held me, and he comforted me, and He told me He loved me when I felt like no one else did. He promised to never leave me, He said that in my weakness His power would be perfected. And God hasnt only done this in the past but He still continues to. He is such a good father with perfect leadership. He is so faithful, even when Im not. He still loves me, and loves me enough to carry my iniquity and to bear the burden of my shame.

So, I felt lead to look up the poem that Maya Angelou wrote and a line from the poem completely spoke to me.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

I read this part of the poem and somehow, oddly enough, I became this bird. In the cage of my fear and shame I sing in faith for things unknown but longed for still. I am the bird singing, heard from God. I sing of freedom. In faith that even when I am scared of what people think about me and while im walking in timidity and sometimes when I am shameful and so broken and weak I sing because I know that promise of God. I know His truth, I know that He says my family will be saved! No I dont sing because I have answers or because I know the next move, I sing because somewhere God hears and its of things longed for. It is the burden the Lord has placed on my heart for various things like my family, friends, ending of abortion, human trafficking. And if my song of freedom is only heard by the Lord, I will declare it over the captives. I will sing it over the orphans. I will testify to the broken. I will forever sing of His love that has carried me through. God is releasing a new song, and it is the declaration of freedom. A very wise person told me, “With every revelation and knowledge you obtain, there is a price to pay.” There is a price, and the burden hurts but God is releasing to the ones who are hungry for Him and who want Him.

So God, right now, I ask that you would release the song of freedom that I will declare over your sons and daughters. I will lay hold of You and who You are. I will lay hold of the gifts that you are giving and I will run and use and walk in obedience with whatever You are wanting to do. I will pay the price. I will be pushed and pulled and tested and tried, and no matter what I will sing of Your love that has carried me through and continues to carry me day by day. Jesus, I wont forget Your faithfulness, no matter what the circumstances are. I know that this is only the beginning of what You are wanting to do. So take this broken willing heart and vessel and use it for whatever you desire. I long to know you more intimately Jesus, I long and desire to know the depths of Your heart. God, use my broken words and empty words and annoint them to be lyrics from the throne room. Take everything I am God, I am Yours and like a caged bird I will sing.